After talking about boundaries, many women say something similar:
“I know I need better boundaries.”
The problem isn’t understanding them.
The problem is actually setting them.
Because for some women, saying no doesn’t just feel uncomfortable.
It feels physically painful.
If you have ADHD, you may have heard the term Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). While not everyone with ADHD experiences it, many describe intense emotional reactions to criticism, perceived rejection, disappointment, or feeling like they have let someone down.
And when RSD enters the picture, boundary setting can become incredibly complicated.
Because suddenly, saying:
“Sorry, I can’t help this weekend”
doesn’t just feel like setting a healthy limit.
It feels like:
“They’ll think I’m selfish.”
“They’re going to be upset with me.”
“They probably won’t ask me again.”
“They’re disappointed in me.”
“They won’t like me anymore.”
Even when none of those things are actually happening.
The Hidden History Many Women Carry
Many women with ADHD reach adulthood carrying years of experiences that have shaped how they see themselves.
They may have spent years hearing messages like:
“You just need to try harder.”
“You’re so disorganised.”
“You forgot again?”
“You have so much potential.”
“Why can’t you just…”
Many women weren’t diagnosed until adulthood, meaning they often grew up feeling different without understanding why.
To cope, they became people-pleasers.
High achievers.
The reliable friend.
The one who always says yes.
The one who bends over backwards to avoid disappointing anyone.
The one who volunteers.
The one who stays late.
The one who takes on just one more thing.
Not because they genuinely have capacity.
But because disappointing someone feels unbearable.
The ADHD Boundary Trap
The challenge is that ADHD can create the perfect conditions for burnout.
You want to help.
You genuinely mean it when you say yes.
You underestimate how much time things will take.
You forget about three other commitments.
You get excited and overcommit.
Then suddenly you’re trying to fit 37 hours of tasks into a 24-hour day.
Again.
Many women with ADHD aren’t selfish.
If anything, they’re often giving too much.
The problem isn’t a lack of caring.
It’s caring so much that they repeatedly sacrifice their own wellbeing.
When “No” Feels Like Rejection
One of the hardest parts of RSD is that it can make other people’s emotions feel much bigger than they actually are.
A completely reasonable response such as:
“Sorry, I can’t make it.”
can trigger a flood of worry.
You might spend hours analysing a text message.
Wonder if your friend sounded annoyed.
Replay the conversation repeatedly.
Mentally draft an apology that nobody asked for.
Meanwhile, the other person has probably moved on with their day.
Many women with ADHD become experts at anticipating disappointment and trying to prevent it before it happens.
The trouble is that this often comes at the cost of their own needs.
The Difference Between Discomfort and Danger
One of the most helpful things to remember is that someone being disappointed is not the same as being rejected.
Read that again.
Someone being disappointed is not the same as being rejected.
Healthy relationships can tolerate boundaries.
Healthy friendships can survive a no.
Healthy workplaces can survive you taking annual leave.
Healthy families can survive you saying you need a break.
When you have ADHD and RSD, your nervous system may react as though conflict, disappointment, or criticism is dangerous.
But feeling uncomfortable and being unsafe are not the same thing.
Sometimes boundary setting feels awful not because it’s wrong, but because it’s stretching a muscle you haven’t used very often.
The Over-Explaining Habit
Women with ADHD are often masters of the five-paragraph boundary.
You know the one.
“I can’t come because my daughter has swimming and I have work tomorrow and I haven’t done the washing and my neighbour’s cousin’s cat is unwell and…”
Before long, you’ve written enough information to support a university thesis.
Why?
Because if people understand your reasons, maybe they won’t be upset.
Maybe they’ll think your excuse is valid enough.
Maybe they’ll still like you.
But healthy boundaries don’t require a courtroom defence.
Sometimes:
“I can’t make it.”
is enough.
Small Boundaries Count Too
If boundaries feel overwhelming, start small.
You don’t have to transform overnight into someone who says no to everything.
Practice with little things.
Take longer to respond before committing.
Say “Let me check and get back to you.”
Pause before automatically saying yes.
Notice when you’re agreeing because you genuinely want to versus when you’re agreeing because you’re afraid of disappointing someone.
Small boundaries build confidence for bigger ones.
Ask for help
We have a team member who jumps in and says yes because it sounds great in the moment, she then goes away, over thinks it, gets totally overwhelmed and something that others may perceive as small can become huge very quickly. Something we have started to do is say ‘we’d like you to consider …, there is no pressure to do this, we don’t want an answer now, can you go away and think about it, lets meet up in a week to discuss it and you can give us your answer then.’ We have found that this can really help reduce the overwhelm. Something to consider – let your family, friends and colleagues know you have a tendency to jump into things in the moment and how that can impact you. Ask them to help you by not asking you to make a decision on the spot and instead giving you time to go away and think about things before you commit.
A Different Way of Looking at Boundaries
Many women see boundaries as something that hurts relationships.
In reality, boundaries often protect relationships.
Constantly overcommitting, people-pleasing, and running yourself into the ground eventually leads to resentment, exhaustion, and burnout.
The goal isn’t to become less kind.
It’s to become kinder to yourself as well.
The goal isn’t to stop caring.
It’s to stop caring for everyone else at the expense of your own wellbeing.
And if you have ADHD and RSD, learning this can take time.
It can feel uncomfortable.
It can feel scary.
You may still feel guilty sometimes.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
It may simply mean you’re learning that other people’s disappointment is survivable—and that your needs deserve a place in the conversation too.
If you want to find out more attend our ADHD Seminar
Need Support?
Women’s Health and Wellbeing Services is here to help. Whether you’re navigating stress, burnout,
relationships, or just want someone to talk to, visit whws.org.au to learn more.
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